Abacus technology (Chess Part One)

As I started out saying a few entries back, Assumption should be avoided. A well-known Earthly comedy sci-fi writer, the late Douglas Adams, illustrated this in his (warning if you click the link you’ll be reading info till the cows come home on this subject)“Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy” series (yes I’ve heard the radio plays and am a huge fan). He spoke of how one of his main characters Arthur Dent, started an intergalactic incident by uttering “I seem to be having great difficulty with my life style” (long story, check out the book for details.)



And speaking of books by very famous people If you are after something ball-bouncingly funny to watch on DVD go can’t go wrong with BLACKADDER’S “Ink and incapability” episode (The Historic Third Series)

Study the photo below for a few minutes and see what you can make of it.



I’ll bet you assumed that it was either a chess or drafts board. Well in fact it is one of my onboard info-computers. May hap you shake your head incredulously. Doesn’t really fit into the prerequisites of an alien space craft’s consul does it. Well I’m afraid it is. We are not in the habit of fitting computers with flashing gismos, in fact electricity is not…ah, perhaps I’d best not go too far into that, for reasons I won’t even attempt to explain.

Most of our technologies are designed around what you people use to call an abacus. I believe it has become unfashionable on Earth. Pity really. If only you’d stuck to it chances are you would have advanced far further than would give yourselves credit for.

The following is a snapshot of the consul in action.

images you want is it?

I've been away for awhile, took some holiday snaps you maybe interested in.
(mynamlez - zarptangol photographer)






Check out pandimentional door image below (related article has also been ammended.

pandimentional doorways

Alien Recognition

Do you recognize this species of alien? No? Well here in lies the problem and premise to this next blog entry. By the by its known colloquially around the galaxy as a Krathqualpoluluvrympt. It has the same annoying characteristics as those accursed things you Earthlings call a mosquito.


One of the key issues my pioneering ancestors faced when they first started seeking out strange new worlds in galaxies far-far away (seems we shared the same expressions, though of course with different accents etc) was what exactly to look for. I mean it’s all very well to search your own planet for similar species as your own but when it actually comes to knowing how to identify something you have never seen before as an indigenous inhabitant of some unknown planet.

As I pointed out in my last posting you cannot always rely on assumptions. It may surprise you to know that there have been planets extensively explored throughout the millennium in full view of vast populations that have shown no signs of interest at our presence what so all. They simply don’t care.

We have had to conclude that the curiosity that preoccupies most my planet’s time (and I have found also seems predominant with Earthlings) is not universal. There is however another theory some of my contemporises share and that is they are no aware of our presence.

“Perhaps,” they offer in their highly contentious thesis, “our form of existence is so far removed from their own that they have come to think of us inanimate objects, circling the skies, with the same irrelevance as dust.”

Well that’s the gist of their argument, though it’s a little more complicated and drawn out in several very dull and boring text books. Some see the printed volumes as a source of lively debate, others surmise by pointing out how well it all burns in the fireplace, keeping them warm on the chilly winters nights.

You may wander what all this jibber-jabber has to do with the price of fish. Well, herein lies the excuse offered by the Angi Spugis for their inadvertent intergalactic rudeness. They simply didn’t recognize you Earthlings, thinking you to be some strange vegetation blowing round in the wind. Concluding that the Earth was unpopulated they felt there was little point in continuing their mission and returned home. Had they stayed round a little longer they would had sussed out how you were not a forest and given your hospital greetings the respect it deserved.

Unfortunately they were on a fairly tight schedule and patience was not one of their superior’s virtues.

Just because you say it’s so…

Assumption, they say, is the mother of all stuff ups. Well actually they use another term starting with an “F” but research has shown that it could be construed as being a little offensive to some readers so I decided it best to err on the side of caution. The last thing I want is to lose my reading audience. Suffice to say assumption often ends in apologies.

Earthlings seem to feel that they have the mysteries of the universe, or at least the one I’m in now, mostly sorted out. Sadly you guys couldn’t be further from the truth if you tried.

For one thing you all sprout on about how the universe is infinite with countless trillions of planets and stars and what have you. Why? Now that’s a question that’s left begging for an answer, yet no one seems to want to ask it.

Without trying to seem all uppity and smartypants about it, you haven’t a clue, have you. I mean, sure you’ve travelled to the moon and sent robots to close-to-home planets, but none of you have ever ventured past Pluto. Having said, what actual evidence, save the mad rantings of a few crackpot astologists, would you be able to put up to prove that those stars you see twinkling in the sky at night extend into an infinite void?

I’m not having a go at you, I’m just trying to demonstrate how little you know about the universe. So, is it infinite or does it merely consist of an infinite possible dimensions? I’m not at liberty to answer that and even if I could I wouldn’t.

Even I cannot say for certain that pandimentional doors actually exist. For all I know I may still in be within my own dimension and the powers that be are messing with my mind, making me think I am elsewhere. They are quitre capable of doing that you know.

It’s all just speculation...and misplaced assumption.

What I can tell you is that the universe works on a completely independent level from you and I. Just because we say that it is, or isn’t infinite does not mean it is so…hmmm, I’m beginning to pick up all these accursed Earthly clichés. Best give this reporting a rest before I end up like the rest of you.

Zarp respectfully signing off for now.

Blurple Bobble-blith-a-binny-blins

Peter Piper may have pecked a peck of pickled peppers but at least he was never subjected to the tongue twisters of the Blurple Bobble-blith-a-binny-blins from the bogs of Blothel Blith Bel Lith.

Bobbles (as they are known for short) travel throughout the Galaxies/dimensions seeking luckless prey to capture and bring back to their home planet of Blothel Blith Bel Lith. There, ensnared in the tangled reeds of the vast quagmires, hapless prisoners are subjected to long complicated tongue-twisters for excessive periods of time.

Once the Bobbles have finished tongue twisting they return their ear-chewed guests to their own home planet without apology or any kind of explanation.

Why they do this remains somewhat of a mystery, though the most common theory suggests they merely like to flaunt their tongue-twisting skills to a captive audience.

By the by, Blurple Bobble-blith-a-binny-blin loosely translates to "The most smarty-pants beings of the Galaxy”

Vanity, it is said, spans the universe and will stand the test of time.

Quoth the raven "Now this is just silly"

Zzaarzarft

Names fascinate me. You’d be surprised the type of names people give to their off spring and Earthlings are no exception.

I understand Tom, Dick and Harry were at one time extremely popular but has now been superseded by Jack, James, William, Samuel & Joshua and the like.

On my home planet you cannot visit any dwelling without meeting at least someone with the name Evnbourbclox, Azulikeitapherupt, Lenasdtdew or Zzaarzarft. The last one being the name of the person whom without I would not be here right now.

Zzaarzarft, for all his eccentricities has been an invaluable aid through out my pre flight training for this mission. He is in charge of collaborating all the data I extract during my brief visit to your most beautiful planet.

He also what I believe some Earthlings refer to as a Techno Geek. A most unfair and inappropriate title to bestow on a person whose expertise and skill that is depended upon. We cannot all be wheelbarrow pushing drones with calloused palms from doing “a fair days work for a fair day’s pay!”

The definition of what exactly constitues a fair day’s pay tends to become a little obscure in the eyes of employers, just as employees will argue their onw interpretation of a fair days work. Somewhere lies a happy medium, where abouts beats the hell out of me.

I know this. It is a universal problem which seems without any solution even to.
It even has Zzaarzarft stumped. Not so high and mighty after all.

Stupid techno-Geek!

Hee Hees

If you think this to be an everyday domesticated cat enjoying a walk in the sun then you'd be wrong. It is in fact a Hee-Hee grinning evilly. Hee-Hees come from the planet Recalcitranton and are best described by what a small yellow winged cartoon character use to refer too as a “Naughty Puddy-tat”.

They travel in enormous metal trays filled quarter way with Recalcitranton’s foulest smelling soil. The tray is covered with a plastic dome made of what he Recalcitrantons call Purrs-pex which has a doorway which swings open and shut like that of an Earthly cat-door (though, again far removed from a Pandimensional doorway).

They are mischievous by nature and have been known to make surprise attacks on the Ageni Spugis and can be extremely dangerous when captured. Their appetite for flesh knows no bounds and claws are forever ready to inflict pain on their unsuspecting prey, which they lull into the sense of misguided trust. It is quite possible that Hee-Hees attracted by a misunderstaning of what the Milky Way had to offer have landed on Earth and even now pose as kittens for reasons known only by them. As a rule Hee-Hees torment their victims with high-pitched shrills but on earth they suffice with purring as to not risk exposing themselves as impostors.

My on board computer describes them as furry demonic vermin not to be trusted or underestimated. It also notes that unlike Cats who have nine lives, Hee-Hees have 81. The entry as to why this is the case has somehow been deleted. I have long suspected Hee-Hee mischief but I cannot be certain,